Muslim Polygamy in America
Let me start with an emphatic assertion. In America, Muslim polygamy exists.
Mormons are not the only ones practicing polygamy. And if you believe that Muslims, upon coming to America, become universally monogamous, you are sorely mistaken. I want to evaluate both the type of men who go after second, or third wives, and also the kind of women who acquiesce into permitting and entering such scenarios.
The Muslim Men: Most men consider themselves macho. Even if they aren’t, they pretend to be, because most believe that is how men are supposed to be. However, some men are able, not only to convince themselves that they are more macho than all the other men around them, but they are able to convince their wives that their machismo is deserving of another wife.
Now, some of you may be thinking: I want to be such a man. If you do, good for you. Frankly speaking, I have no interest in a multiple wivery. My argument is simple. The first woman that a real man marries should be one that’s more than a handful, ya’ni, she should be a real woman. If she’s not, she’s not a challenge, and a real man only wants challenges. Thus, it becomes impossible to take another real woman because any man, no matter how much of a man himself, cannot deal with two *real* women. But, anyway, regardless of why I don’t want a second wife, let me explain how it is that guys who do want second wives, convince everyone they are deserving.
Islam - That is their method. Its shameful to say, but like some men use pity, and some men use money, to get control over women other men use religion. The general argument, horrendously distorting the religious texts, goes something like this: If Allah really didn’t want men to have more than one wife, there would be an express prohibition against polygamy, but since there is no express prohibition, polygamy is permitted; and since all things that are permitted to Muslims are good things (such as chocolate and prayer) polygamy, by being permitted is also good, and since what is good is to be practiced, polygamy should be practiced. Got it?
I have to say that this argument has, if not a logical consistency, a legal consitency that passes muster in many legal systems. The current Supreme Court Justice Scalia often uses such a mode of interpretation. Such a similar mode of interpretation - one that looks only at the text and is known as the literalist - was used in various other forms by the Zahiris and most recently by members of Al-Qaeda. The point is that a literalist reading of the Quran allows one to infer anything one wants because the reading is entirely divorced from context.
Like I said, those men that want a second wife, use the aforestated argument. And if their first wife says that she stands firmly against it, they accuse her of getting in the way of something that Allah has permitted and by permitting made good. These men accuse her of denying them their God-given rights, and since God-given rights can only be denied by God, these first wives are acting like agents of the devil. I have to say, you have to have balls to make this argument - not because it requires having the courage to stand up to your wife, but it requires having the courage to distort God.
Muslim Men give themselves many reasons for wanting more than one wife. They get bored. They look around themselves to find a culture where men openly interact with more than one woman. They think its their God-given right. They believe that they are actually doing the women in the situation a favor. And so on. Whatever their motivation, the argument must always take the aforementioned religious style. No man who wants more than one wife tries to make any other type of argument. Even if he does not believe in the Quran, he will cite to the Quran to bolster his argument. In a situation like this, which requires all of the verbal and psychological manipulation a man can muster, most men figure out that instead of premising their argument on what they individually think, they should hide behind the words of God.
Now, granted that polygamy may have played a social utility in the world a long time ago, or granted that some tribes in Nepal, and Saudi Princes (equally primitive, in my opinion), practice polygamy, the fact remains that you are not living in those previous times and neither are you a Saudi Prince. I might pay heed to your argument if you were living in post-war Afghanistan, but you live in the United States - a welfare state. Which means that your pretentious invokation of “saving women” does not apply, nor is necessary for the survival of women.
The Women: The principle driving agent in looking for and finding a second wife are always men. I have yet to encounter a woman who, given the option of being the sole or shared wife, would choose to be the shared. Sure, she might agree to become convinced to be the shared, but it is a man who has to convince her, she doesn’t do it out of her own free will. So, when we analyze the women, I am not analyzing what kind of women want to be shared - that’s a dumb and unrealistic analysis. Rather, I have to analyze the following: what kind of prey, sorry, women, do men who want to marry second wives target?
There is a two step process that Muslim men must take to get a second wife. 1) To convince the current wife that they can get a second wife and 2) To convince a new woman that she should be the second wife. Like I said, most men use religion to accomplish step one. Step two is accomplished in other ways.
In an amazing book by Nikos Kazantzakis called Zorba the Greek, Zorba, the main character, explains to his friend, that he gets so much play compared to any other man alive, because his first and singular target are widows. These are women, he explains, that aren’t given much attention to in society, and thus, the perfect targets. In the case of American-Muslim second-wife-seeking-men, their target are widows and divorcees. The ideal time for a man to move to capture a second-wife is right after the death of her husband, or right after her divorce. In the world today, older Muslim women, on the whole, are not used to being without a husband. The moment they are without a man, they feel almost naked. Since they have long lived under the protective shelter of a (patriarchal) man, they, quite often, agree to any sort of shelter, even if it comes in the form of a man who already has a wife. Widows and divorcees are lured in by the man by his promises to take care of them. Little do they realize that the situation they are entering will turn out to be horrible.
But women come to be snared in other ways. After all, not all girls who become second or third wives are divorcees or widows. Some are converts. To me, the phenomenon of convert women acquiescing to polygamy is the most interesting one. In fact, some of the strongest proponents of polygamy I’ve met have been converts to Islam. I found this so fascinating that I tried to get to the root of this phenomenon. Here is the explanation that I have reached: Many converts come from Christianity, and an American cultural milieu, which defines Islam as part of the East, and as different. When these women actually convert to Islam, its because they are sick and tired of the West, and thus, LIKE to believe the fact that Islam is “Eastern.” These women want to be Eastern - their logic works like this: Since the West has always treated me like crap, the opposite of West must be utopia! Persuant to such logic, then, they embrace polygamy because it is the clearest expression of Eastern relationships. Such women only have to be found, they don’t need convincing.
Still, there are some girls who are neither widows, nor divorcees, nor converts. Yet they too end up becoming second or third wives. How? The answer: Pity and a need for self-worth. Some women grow up depressed, have always been mistreated, or are just plain lonely. The only time they feel good about themselves is when they are helping someone else. Now you know women like this. At college, these are those girls that come into where the boys are sitting, take everyone’s order for what they want from McDonalds and then go and buy food for everyone; and they don’t just do this once, they do it all the time.
Doing stuff for others makes them feel needed; and being needed gives them self-affirmation. When a man who wants a second wife come across such women, all the men have to say to them is “Dear Bla Bla, my life with my current wife has been quite miserable. We do not click at the intimacy level. I was forced to marry her to make my mother happy. I really wish I was given the opportunity to be an individual and to pick my own wife! I pick you! But alas, I cannot divorce her because she’s realiant on me. The only option is for you to be my second wife!” Women who have for too long served other people, want, out of pity, and their own need, to help this poor guy out. And quiet often, acquiesce into becoming his second wife. They don’t realize how horribly they have been manipulated. The sad truth is that they have, almost throughout their whole life, been manipulated like this.
On the whole there is no socio-cultural reason for polygamy to be allowed in America. If a woman is helpless and alone, she must become wedded to the State. The State will pay for her.
Finally: these days there is a little bit of discussion among the extreme left that polyamorous relationships (of both kinds) should be able to be sanctified by marriage. I oppose this. Unless and until male manipulation of women is done away with let’s not propagate such idiocy. As to where a woman takes on multiple husbands as well, I have a problem with that as well, because it means that the men are being manipulated. Let’s keep marriage between two people. My argument is not based on ‘what will happen to the children’ or to ’sexually transmitted diseases.’ Rather, I am against giving legal sanction to multiple marriages because of its political implications. More marriages mean more divorces, and more divorces mean more intrusion by the State. We already have plenty, thank you very much. I also believe that if multiple marriages are allowed, it will be men who will take advantage of it far more than women — due to their historical position and our society’s financial disparity. As a Muslim I have seen exactly what happens when men get to exercise the right. To the left: you do not want to go down that road.
Oh, I wish I were single,
My pockets would jingle,
I wish I were single agaiiiin
- Old Polish folk song, via the late great Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune.
I have been offered marriage as a second wife. It is a girlfriend kind of thing. Fine, he comes and sees me, we have a great weekend, he leaves and takes his dirty underwear with him. But he takes his dirty underwear back to his first wife who then has to wash them along with all the other laundry and care for all the detritus of their lives including the burden of not being enough for him no matter what she does. What ass would even think that a woman with any self-respect would do that to another woman?! Urgh. I was talking to Hedonist about this the other day. You know how much she has posted on this issue . It is very frustrating. Thank you for this, Ali!
Growing up in Muslim heavy Philadelphia, I’ve known my share of polygynous families. Some worked very well (one involved a terminally ill, homeless woman with several children) some were ok (two co-wives became best friends and business partners) and some were just sad (one of the girls in my Girl Scout troop became married at 16 to a guy in his 40’s, who had two other wives and no paying job). The welfare state is far from perfect (the homeless woman’s children would have been separated and placed in foster homes had the co-wife and husband not adopted them), but polygamy has even more problems, and can create more than it solves. Don’t get me started on my former sister Girl Scouter, who has “stepchildren” older than she.
There is another type of second wife candidate. The ruthless gold-digger. Like the one that ended my aunt’s marriage. My aunt had been married to this man for 20-odd years, stood by him when he hit the bottom of his career, took up a job to help support the family, did the whole devoted wife thing. When his career finally took off, she thought she’d finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Then, lo and behold, some sweet young hussy enters the scene. Hussy gets a Mercedes with a driver, a huge house with the title deed in her name, and much $$$. My aunt? Oh, he lets her go on taking the public bus, and living in the hovel that she should be ‘grateful’ for. (think how so much better off you are than the Afghan refugees, honey). And get this, the man has also deluded himself into thinking that he is the ultimate Muslim hero-saviour because he has saved Hussy from a life of debauchery by marrying her.
Of course, my aunt is now polygamised no longer. She exercised her opt-out clause in her marriage contract.
Anyway, you can add ungrateful, delusional middle-age farts to your profiling.
[...] Ali Eteraz on Muslim Polygamy in America. [...]
[...] Why do women accept polygamy? The indefatiguable blogger Ali Eteraz tried to answer this question in a recent post. Some of what he says I agree with. [...]
Hi,
I think Americans should continue
to just have 1 wife. And just have a alot of girlfriends. And illegitmate children. And many divorces.
Is ISNA/Fiqh Council (www.isna.net) trying to impose “Jewish Calendar” on Muslims?
On ISNA web site, there is a statement saying they will begin Ramadan and Islamic months on the basis on “Conjunction” which is an astronomical term use for non-visible moon from earth. And Jewish months begin the same way. Are we leaving our Islamic teachings and traditions and following what is not Islam?
I got an e-mail this morning from the Hilal Sighting Committee of North America (www.hilalsighting.org) which is a rebuttal to Fiqh Council statement. Is ISNA trying to impose “American Islam” on Muslims? What is going on?
Your analysis of why converts become second wives needs further research and refinemnet. It seems to be a gross oversimplification so much so that it strains credulity.
This really is the most ridiculous analysis I have ever seen! You are implying that nothing has been stated in the Quran about polygamy: >>>”The general argument, horrendously distorting the religious texts, goes something like this: If Allah really didn’t want men to have more than one wife, there would be an express prohibition against polygamy, but since there is no express prohibition, polygamy is permitted; and since all things that are permitted to Muslims are good things (such as chocolate and prayer) polygamy, by being permitted is also good, and since what is good is to be practiced, polygamy should be practiced. Got it?”
As we say in ze Eastern Europe,
“the comments section is burning.”
many men who are polygamist are also child molesters using polygamy to get young wives and have access to children. perhaps centuries ago it was okay but now with our moral decadence in america and abroad it is not good. i was married to a man with 50 wives. we fought set each other up hated eachother had fights cliques etc., there were orgies, favorite children, some got bigger wedding rings than the next, true drama.
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I disagree with your interpretation of Islamic second marriage. Women are people with needs. The state may be able to provide financially for a woman but the state cannot love a woman. Be a friend or companion to a woman.Some women would rather share a man they love then be stuck with a single jerk who will not fulfill her needs. Why do you assume that women are victims? Are you saying that women who choose to be second wives due to family circumstances are not worthy individuals. It takes all kinds to make the world go round my friend so why not stop judging a man who will take on the responsability of two families and start questioning north american men who use women like disposable kleenex. I know plenty of those men who are taking advantage of the whole western ” Dating Experience”.
Sincerely, a girl who knows.
Dear Ali,
Judging you by your article is that you
1. are unfortunately unaware of your own religious beliefs.
2.Using emotions in contrast to logic and the fine gift of reason.
3.are coming to conclusions without having undertaken proper research and analysis and thereby placing yourself in the opposite camp of what Allah has said and the living examples of His prophets and Messengers.
first, go out there and research on the statistics of male and females worldwide. Then empathise with the stand alones and do justice on that.
second, do not use Islam to blame others for justifying themselves on that until you are pretty clear about what Islam says.
Third, reverts do not necessarily seek the east by accepting to be co wives in order to reject the west. Consider the statistics of male and female reverts and you will find more female reverts than male.
Fourth, and finally Casanova’s comment fits ideally into the Utopia that you envisage for the world. Marry 1 woman have multiple girlfriends and countless bastards to make this world a more peaceful and orderly community.
I am not here to teach but to remind that “Fear Allah” and you will see with clarity what appears to be cloudy.
[...] I would like to say a few words about a learned brother Ali Eteraz. From what the distinguished Ali Eteraz (and his ilk), has said, he seems to feel polygamy to be nothing more than a last surviving [...]
I find most analysis on polygamy to be false, idealistic and i HATE the way some muslims always compare polygamy to men in the west who have affairs or multiple girlfriends (what a stereotype!!). There are plenty of sucessful, happy, faithful, monogomous relationships in the west as well as the east (My non-muslim parents, both sets of grandparents, and my aunts and uncles are all excellent examples).I have to say I really agree with the reasons in this blog. Polygamy in the end comes down to boosting men’s ego a lot of the time.
I was divorced (a big stigma in my Christian culture) and a convert to islam (a major stigma!!). I married an already married man. I love him to bits and I know he married me for love (don’t panic salafis - we kept the relationshipt halal) as much as to ‘look after’ me. But that doesn’t hide the fact that his kids and his first wife who once had him every day now have him half the time and that I have half a husband. There are plenty of marriagable muslim men I could have married and had a more fulfulling stable family life. I chose to make a sacrifice to be with the man I wanted. Thats just it - polygamy is a SACRIFICE for the women not some sort of blessing. The women in polygamy suffer FULL STOP. There is heartbreak for everyone. They get support sure, but they don’t get the same emotional support, time with their husband or security experienced in a sucessful monogomous marriage.Fidelity and faithfulness mean a lot to women. Polygamy may be permitted - but it is certainly NOT better than monogamy - ande ven though my husband is extremely fair in sharing his time, it doesn’t make it easy. I wouldn’t recommend polygamy to anyone, unless they are desperate.
People seem to forget the Prophet (pbuh) did have multiple wives - but in a time when many men were killed during wars (women do not dramatically outnumber men nowadays) and living alone wasn’t possible (now it is not unsafe for women to live alone - the only objections are cultural!). Also he didn’t have multiple families. ‘Modern polygamy’ involves having kids with many women and often messed up lives. Allah gave us brains and reasoning so we could use it….
Also i should point out - I believed polygamy should only be practiced in certain circumstances (such as if relation between the two were irreconcilable and divorce culturally unacceptable). I belived my husband and co- wife were effectively seperated, thats why i agreed to the marriage. I don’t ever wish to be a homewrecker…
Most reasons men give for polygamy are weak and invalid.
http://www.pucl.org/Topics/Gender/2002/polygamy-islam.htm
The Quran explicitly states Polygamy as allowed with certain loose conditions.
Why Islam and Polygamy?
Islam was invented by man. “Man” the gender.
Why Polygamy?
Two or more women at the same time is the universal male dream. (Remind you of the 70 something virgins that await a good Muslim man in heaven? Recurring theme?)
End of discussion.
and second wife… i don’t even know where to begin. You discuss polygamy as suffering, that you do not receive as much support as you should… that it’s a sacrifice to be in a polygamous relationship. Isn’t there a passage in the Quran that prohibits Polygamy unless the man can support such a burden? Oh, but wait, there’s also a loophole:
If the man cannot bear an orphan, he may choose from any other woman (2 or 3 or 4) that would be “good” for him.
How loose and crooked is that?
Obviously written by a man.
So, in short, you keep lying to yourself and I hope you feel good about yourself each morning as you’re setting back woman another couple thousand years.
But why do I care really? I’m a guy. I’m all for wild sex romps with multiple gullible women at my beck and call. Oh wait. I’m not. I don’t like the idea marriage. I think marriage should be about the love and commitment and sacrifice that can be shared with just one person, not spreading it around. But that’s not what marriage is now, is it? It’s a religious institution. It has nothing to do with love.
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Jason - if you read my posts you would realise i was under the impression that my ‘co-wife’ and husband (who had had an arranged marriage) were seperated. Call me dumb but I wouldn’t have entered such an arrangement if I thought it would cause harm - i’m not a home wrecker.
I hate polygamy. And I am beginning to hate men…..
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Selam Alejkum. This text is interesting however, you are making a mistake thinking that all these women are so inocent and unaware of what they are doing. Sure, there are some, perhaps the lady under the name of “A second wife”. But I have to tell her I admire her honesty, may Allah reward her and accept her to Dzennet for that. Amin. However, there are many women who will preach poligamy because they married a man and than went to leave in his country only to find out than that he has 5 or more wifes there. Honest women will admit they are unhappy but lying disbeliefing hypocrits will only try to lure more women into their misery, so that they feel better about their failed lifes. I really admire this lady here, she is a true believer, honest, truth is the light of Islam. Don’t forget that in the end all women crave a family, no matter how much they have “been around”. Such women are easy pray that is true, however the only thing that would save them from that is if they truly accepted The Holy Koran with their heart. Because than they would not find it in their heart to hurt another person, they would measure every step they take very carefully as not to sin themselves against another being(first wife and her children and even the confused husband), not to send the husband to Dzehenem by supporting him in where he is wrong and geting away from fate. In addition if you accept Islam with the heart your self esteem grows, you learn to accept your self as divinely created being with all your faults as a women, and you do not let yourself get taken advantage of that easily. So please all those women are victims, but of not diving into Islam deep enough before they start making life changes that belong to it. You can not start working as a doctor before going to school. It is the same with Islam, you can not read two suras, or books and than start living that way, you have to acclamate and educate yourself well first, you have to feel a change on the inside and than move on. That is why I also don’t approve of someone who just converted or who is young going to Haj at any cost. Sure if you are offered the chance use it, it was probably Allah’s will, but do not try too hard. Once you submitt to Allah’s will things go smooth, natural, there is no pain, no suffering. If you experience anything negative you have to ask yourself did I stray from true Islam, did I go wrong somewhere, we are all sinners, Allah forgives, can I repent, what should I repent maybe? Stay in peace, may Allah correct this Ummah. Amin. Selam Alejkum.
Interesting article. There are clearly some very stupid women out there ( yes i am sorry girls..) believing men saying you must do this in the name of God. But you know what - interesting as all this analysis is - it surely leads most people to wonder’ i wonder what else those dodgy men made up and said it was from God’. Not just polygamy - but all sorts of other dodgy social practices. ( sex-slavery, concubinage) in fact the more i read about the early muslims it becomes clear to me that they were seriously having a good time hiding behind religion. is it then such a strange thing to question the religion itself? i.e. start thinking along legal lines - the testimony of the witness is diminished ..unreliable witnesses and all that? Is that a terrible question to ask?
No, dear sister, because don’t blame the religion, blame the people. If you read the Koran and all its pieces, and understood you would realize just how perfect and true it is and how many things it tells you about the world today that you never could have predicted by pure intellect and knowledge. Try it, I think you’ll be amazed. There are very few people in any religion that follow it as they should, but that doesn’t demean the religion, only us as humanity. The Koran describes the universe, embryos, a lot of issues that we are dealing with today, nature, all sorts of things. Just get an real copy, not ones with comments, but an actual Koran in english, read it and I believe you will be amazed. It is unrealistic to judge any book you never read.
I JUST have to let all you sisters hear this story, I have been married for 10 years and we started trying to have kids about 3 years ago month after month I NEVER got pregnaunt I was wondering whats wrong with me every test known I have taken it no problem, we went and got test he told no problem, so he said I since I cannot have kids he will be another wife well all long he had another wife and still no kids, so I STARTED
TO THINK ABOUT THIS so finally i went to another DR. and found out he has a serious problem and all along he has lied to me and the other wife just living a lie and trying to use the excuse of my not being able to have kids now hes has a problem with the other crazy women he dummped becuase the truth was reviled he just wanted to play around and lie to her to hav sex and lie to me just to keep me, becuase we do have older children when looking for a second wife just be honest or you will end like us with fatal attraction and crazy women chasing us and everywhere and a sexual disease good lucky always hire a private investigator, for your co wife you never know how many husbands she might be getting money from and how many disease she has like my husband he got both and fixed hiself for good no kids now because of his foolishness think twice, these days its very different good luck
[...] Adding two links on Muslim polygamy in [...]
A commenter writes ”Don’t forget that in the end all women crave a family, no matter how much they have “been around””…I wonder what Islam would say about a woman having multiple husbands,since she will have a bigger family or multiple families even!all the better for her!
Thanks for this very rational and enlightening article on a topic that is ignored by the Muslim Community because of the Quran text giving permisssion for a man to have more than 1 wife. To them, that’s it, end of discussion, it is in the Quran, Allah gave me permission.
They seem to conveniently take the bits and pieces of the Quran that suit their personal desires and cast the rest of the text away without its due consideration as well as it might actually oppose the script they found that supports their self-interest desires. Then What?
So much for their fear of Allah since obviously they have no problem in distorting his words which is also forbidden. Again, like I was saying…if it serves their self-interest then Islamically right or not they will even distort the words of Allah to benefit themselves in this life, never mind about the life hereafter.
With that said, I believe that the primitive practice of polygamy still exists today within the Muslim community because of cultural problems. Speaking of countries like Pakistan for example, marriages are forced usually for the benefit of the parents of the couple and truly has nothing to do with the desires of the couple.
The Bride’s parents simply have a burden that they wish to dispose of, an unwed daughter. The groom’s parents want someone to cook and clean for them and provide them with some grandchildren to fill their empty lives and to ensure that they have a “good” reason to hold and expect their son to be providing financial support for the woman they forced him to marry..ie by sending the money to his parents. The so called debt that they forced upon him.
I say forced because many twist Islam by stating that it is an Islamic duty to make their parents happy by doing what they say in these matters of marriage regardless of your personal wishes. This is a wrong but is still used by parents to force their children to put the parents desires above their own…much the same way that parents still encourage polygamy if it suits their personal self-interests.
This is especially true if their son happens to live in another country and even more so if he has taken a wife in that foreign country where he resides. Why? Well, once a man is married and if he lives separately from his parents he is not responsible or expected to continue to provide financially for his parents if he does not have the financial means to do so. Now, enter a 2nd wife that he is forced by his parents to marry and there you have it, the son is now expected to provide his father with financial support to care for the 2nd “wife” who of course lives with them. In my opinion this culture problem of forcing marriages for the self-interest of the parents results in a high price being paid for the purchase of a Slave Girl by the participants and the innocent 1st wife and her children. Everyone will pay dearly of course except for the enforcers as they are the only true benefactors in this case. Will the 2nd wife benefit? If you call giving up your own self-respect than I guess we can say that in this case she will benefit because she has been sold and now has a place to call home where she is not considered an unwanted burden, or is she?? That of course would depend entirely on if her husband was forced to marry her to please his parents or if it was of his own free will.
In short, many Muslim parents are not above distorting Islam if it benefits them personally to do so. All the while the Muslim Community just looks the other way while in actuality ostrisizing them and snickering behind the polygamist’s back.
Polygamy is permissable in Islam however, it is not Encouraged nor is it recommended rather one is strongly urged against such a thing.
Indeed, polygamy is a very High Price to Pay to fullfill anyone’s self-interested desires. The Wrath of Allah is mighty. Have your fill in this life for in the hereafter you will be held accountable and will suffer in the hereafter for eternity for the harm done to others here. Ameen.
I’m with Second Wife on all this….I am beginning to hate men.
The woman that my husband married in secret, had sent him text messages of love and asked HIM to marry her. And he did.
There’s lots of bad feelings, and yes…everyone hurts.
Go Gabe! I agree with you on that one….there doesn’t seem anyone fighting for a woman’s right to have multiple husbands and, unless one is openly saying that women were created by God to be “lesser beings” (and I know some who actually think that), if polygamy is to be allowed and accepted, it should be for both genders. If it’s not, then it IS just a tool or men to use to their advantage, and no amount of rational and (seemingly) logical argument will change that fact.
No, “Worried”, not all women crave a family –at least not in the way that you mean it. Humans are social creatures and we are designed to want, strongly, to procreate –else, we would have died out as a race. But, you can’t say that ALL women want to have a husband and children, just as I can’t say that all male polygamists use that belief as a way to keep a fresh supply of young girls on hand (or whatever). I don’t have an answer to whether Polygamy is right or wrong; I don’t think it should be the government’s decision, though –except for enforcing laws to protect young girls from being coerced into marriage. I just hope you will learn not to be so judgmental; to realize that your “Path” may be the true and right path for you, but others have their own true and right paths, too. Surely, you don’t believe that your God is so weak and parochial that he can’t encompass more than one set of beliefs? I’m sure, to you, I sound wishy-washy, but I believe it takes more strength to respect others’ beliefs (and by that, I mean religion, customs, preferences)and not put myself above everyone by insisting that I have the only answer. If you find one or more women who (freely) believe as you do, then you will, most likely, create a family that works for all of you. I think, that’s what it all comes to…. finding what works for you, respecting those you love, AND respecting those you don’t agree with.
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I’m sure there are plenty of polygyny horror stories out there and I dont want to undermine anyone’s situation BUT
Polygyny is a solution not something to be feared Women outnumber men nowadays more than ever before. The ratio of men to women has always been 2:1 and in many matriomonial services now the ratio is 1:5! THe Prophet S warned us that this ratio would continue to more lopsided as time passed.
We have many Muslim women nowadays who cant find a husband and these are young, single girls! There just aren’t enough men to go around! A woman can choose to either get married or remain unmarried if she doesn’t want to get involved in a polygynous marriage, but let’s realize that most women want to be married. Most women want the love and stability of a marriage and they want to have children.
I personally know of many girls who are also removing their hijaab because they think it will increase their chances of getting married, because aside from there being a shortage of men, there is an even greater shortage of “good” men. They’re basically lowering their standards because they just want to get married even if the guy is less then what they hoped for in-terms of husband material.
We’ve all heard horror stories of men who take second, third, or fourth wives and do nothing but oppress them with their selfishness and wrong-doing. But what about the good men who incline towards justice and will make their best effort to make everyone happy? Definitely every woman wants her husband all to herself, but when are we going to stop being so individualistic and realize that our women are suffering? If the good men don’t revive this pracitce then more and more we will see immorality increase from women not being able to get married. Just imagine, what if your daugther couldn’t get married? Wouldn’t you want a loving man to be there for her and take care of her, even if he had another wife, rather than no man at all? (pending that that is what she wanted as well)?
Point being, there will never be enough men for all the women in the world, so if Muslimas want to get married we have to
1> Raise up good men who will be just and good in a polygynous marriage
2> Encourage the good ones to take another wife to prevent this fitna
3> Learn to share and not be so psychologically dependent on our husbands! Remember you are living for God and not a Man so don’t let it rip you apart if you have to share! Remember your goal and that on the Day of Judgment this entire life will seem only like a day or half a day.
*5:1
dah, i realize my correction was wrong. you know what i mean =)
I hope you can stick to the same logic when it comes to the reverse gender imbalance (more men than women) in parts of India and China.
http://www.csmonitor.com/2004/0715/p08s02-comv.html
I mean, men should just stop being selfish and allow their wives to marry other men to avoid the fitna of their brothers being “rootless.” As you know, women are naturally sharing and caring so I’m sure we can manage to be nice to two men at one time.
Where are you getting this statistic from?
In her defense, she later clarified 2 to 1 to be 5 to 1
“*5:1″
Heck, polygamy has even caused serious problems among Mormons, who don’t practice female infanticide:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lost_Boys_of_Polygamy
Turns out that during times of peace (when the proportion of women to men is roughly equal) you’d need to kick out or kill a number of marriageable males from your community in order for all remaining men to take more than one wife.
But by all means, let’s make up bogus statistics in order to place the libido of the male over the health of the community.
Just so we can talk numbers:
http://nationalatlas.gov/articles/people/IMAGES/int-tbl1.gif
As you can see from the table, the average proportion of women to men in developed countries that are not at war (war being the chief cause of the depletion of the male population) is roughly 1.2 to 1. So there is room for a *tiny* fraction of men to take more than one wife. In third-world countries that are at peace, there are often more men than women, due largely to more deaths in childbirth, and in a few rare cases, female infanticide.
The only situation in which there is a significant disproportion between women and men is in countries that have been at war for an extended period of time. Surprise surprise, this was exactly the situation in which the polygamy verses were revealed 14 centuries ago.
“Wouldn’t you want a loving man to be there for her and take care of her, even if he had another wife, rather than no man at all?”
as long as women are conditioned to think they NEED a man they will continue to accept second best in their relationships and the gross power imbalances that characterise them…
sisters when will you realise a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycyle….?
Indeed! Because that makes purrrfect sense. ;)
Hey, in principle - I’m down with legal polygamy *as long as* polyandry is also accepted. I’ve never met a *happy* or *stable* family where such a thing worked (and that goes for ladiez who are committed to more than one man… and by committed I don’t mean the ladiez who just go to swingers’ parties every once in a while), but I’ve been taking optimist pills.
Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim Al Hamdulillahi As Salaatu wa Sallam ala Rasullullah wa ba’d
As Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi
Dear Mumineen:
As a divorced sister who saw what “unislamic” pologyny can do to a family I still believe in it and would only marry as a potential co-wife. Your blogs made me laugh. There are a great many valid reasons for not agreeing with polygyny. But most of them are directed at the man’s unislamic behavior and my suggestion to all of us who say LAA ILAHA ILLALLAH is to have Taqwa Allah and then act accordingly.
As an “fine, fifty and free” sister, I could not nor would I want to have to be bothered with a man more than a few days a week. So polygyny would be great for me. But I am not looking not interested and when the marriage issues comes up I always ask about the wife and can I speak to her. If that works out then I would consider it. But other than that I LOVE BEING “FIFTY-FINE-AND-FREE”!
Umm Makkah Sakinah bint hyman
Good saturday morning from Seattle! BEST WISHES for a MERRY CHRISTMAS! Would or could a young Islamic woman be happy in a christian family, as a second wife?
We, my wife and I, are an older couple, in our 60’s, sexually straight non-smoking christian couple; ISO a young lady, one who would understand when and where to be discreet and modest in a plural marriage, as a co-wife, in a secure polygamous family lifestyle. Any reply would be considered helpful! Take care! GOD Bless Always! Carl & Charlotte & katie our non-religious cat! [ Landreth_1909@yahoo.com ]
Nonsense. Polygamy in Islam makes a lot of sense and beautiful wholesome families can be the result.
As for the description of pain coming from having to share the husband. Many women I know who are in monogamous marriages don’t have a complete husband either - in the sense that many spend more time traveling, with friends, at the masjid, and the like than at home. I know a lot of women who spend lonely nights at home with monogamous husbands who travel, live in a separate room, and/or prowl for companionship on the Internet or glued to the TV into the wee hours.
IT is a myth to think a monogamous man is the constant companion of the wife and that somehow polygamy disrupts this ideal world of forever togetherness. On the contrary, the polygamous husband can be more committed and motivated to give each wife quality time when he is with them her. The mature polygamous male (and men have to be trained and educated by their mothers and family to respect women) can be a man who truly enjoys the company and friendship of women (like our prophet saws). This is far more valuable than the “phoning it in” that many monogamous men do.
I would rather have co-wives than have my husband even flirt (let alone do more) with women he was not married to.
Salam Alakium. I am a soon to be second wife. My soon to be co-wife and I are in a great age difference of 25 years. I have grown to love her so much. she has been apart of this from the start me getting to know my soon to be husband. I only worry because i am a convert and i have many american friends who are non muslim and they are worried that this is too soon after a divorce. My think is i wam looking for more second wifes who are younger then the husband and the first wife to talk to. I love both of them very much. but i also want to know other marriages are working.
thanks.
Yet another naive convert getting preyed upon by Muslims.
You may want to read the blog of a recovering polygamy surviver. He stories are not so lovey-dovey.
http://hedonist.progressiveislam.org/
Might I also remind you that polygamy is illegal in the US and God doesn’t exactly want you to break the laws of the country you live in.
*standing ovation*
I am now a single mom, became one at the age of 31, because I went in for that “polyamory” crap and you know what? They don’t mean it. They’re bored sexually. The wife is barren and the couple wants a baby. (Wasn’t quite my situation but very close, and I have SEEN couples advertising this in poly personals websites.) They’ve got so much love they can share it with more than one person, then you find out they love their original spouse more than you. And if you object to not being treated equally then you get read the riot act because you’re not sharing bills with your alleged partner. Like that is THE definition of a “real” relationship.
I finally lost any feeling I had for him, just completely shut it off, and stepped away. I could do nothing else. And I feel like if I were ever to revert to Islam–and I think about it sometimes, quite seriously, but it is going to take a lot of reflection and personal change on my part if it happens–I would make it a condition that any marriage I get into must remain monogamous. Because even though Islam does what the polyamory movement does not and INSISTS the husband treat all his wives equally (don’t get me started about the so-called “primary/secondary model of polyamorous relationship), how many stories have I heard by now of Muslims who feel free to ignore parts of the Qur’an they don’t like? They’re human. But I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that particular decision.
My other concern is with the kids. You get an odd enough family tree going through one or more divorces of monogamous marriages. Imagine trying to navigate family relationships with more than one co-wife in the family. Who is your dad’s other wife to you, and who are her kids, when mahram is defined by the breastfeeding relationship? It has got to be incredibly weird. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
R.E., it sounds like you went through a very painful time with this couple. It hurts not to be accepted as equal when it’s promised to you and not delivered. I was in such a relationship myself one time. I learned to find my own primary partner first, so that my very human need for a pair bond was met. Once that happened and we agreed on the terms of our poly relationship - I met a kind and gentle, wonderfully ethical, loving man who is also polyaorous - neither of us has ever offered anything to a secondary partner that we couldn’t offer. Neither have we gotten involved with others who didn’t have their own primary. Things just balance out a lot better that way, and there are a lot more happy encounters and many fewer unhappy ones. I also approach the idea of a group marriage between more than two people with considerable caution. These forms of poly relationships have not been studied, and there seems to be some dynamic that makes them unstable, especially group relationships of three. No one I’ve talked to seems to know the specifics of that, and until they do, I’m sticking with an open dyad as the most likely form of polyamory to succeed in my life.
My point is that your poly experience demonstrates nothing about polyamory on the whole and only demonstrates how easy it is for folks who haven’t done their homework and/or don’t act with integrity can screw it up and hurt others.
Polyamory and monogamy have one particular thing in common - in either case, it works well for some but is not for others.
Ali Eteraz.Its nice to know that you are a Pakistani.
I am a divorced woman in my 40’s, with three children ranging from 13 to 20 years of age. I am not Muslim. I don’t intend to ever become Muslim. I chose to become involved with a Muslim man who’s been married for 12 years. This effectively makes me a second wife. I’ll offer the reasons why.
First of all, I pretty much agree with Ali’s assessment of polygyny. Muslim men have a religious license to do what a lot of men want to do. Although not all non-Muslim men are unfaithful to their wives, many are. And as for single men, they are free to sample whomever they can. And women are complicite, because no man can accomplish this without our cooperation.
I do not wish to remarry. I really don’t want to live under the same roof with another man again, with or without “a piece of paper.” Marriage is a serious commitment that takes an incredible amount of self-sacrifice, forgiveness, patience…the list goes on. You get the idea. I just don’t see myself taking on that commitment again. I also have a pretty good life as it is. I have strong family ties, good friends, meaningful work, and I volunteer regularly. It wouldn’t be practical or fair to take on a monogamous relationship, or to devote much time to dating or romance, etc.
I enjoy friendship with men. I am up front with men about not wanting to remarry, and not wanting to get involved sexually. (I don’t want an STD, nor do I want to worry about pregnancy, etc.) This obviously weeds out those hoping for a lifetime partner, or a parner for casual sex. It has left me with just a few good male friendships that are mutually respectful, enjoyable, and platonic.
I also happen to be human. I have sexual needs. I have turned down offers from married non-Muslim men who are willing to “help me out” with my situation. I don’t feel right about that.
Then along comes this opportunity. Now I’ll admit right up front that most Muslim women don’t want to share their husbands any more than non-Muslim women do. I’ve corresponded with Muslim women who’ve been first wives in polygynist marriages. It’s painful. But they are compelled to defend Islam, and that means defending polygyny. They believe that if they fight it, or resent it, then they are being bad wives, or un-Islamic. Forbidding what Allah permits, or hating that which Allah deems to be good.
In any event, that’s the excuse I’ve used. I believe it’s not right that I’m doing this. But I also like the arrangement. We see each other for a couple or a few pleasant hours here and there each week (whether it be for sex, or not), and then he goes home. If it weren’t for my conscience jabbing at me, I’d say it’s a perfect situation. We care about each other and enjoy each other. But we don’t control each other. I made it clear to him that I have platonic male friendships that I have no intention of forsaking. He does get jealous, but makes no demands in that regard. He doesn’t try to run my life. He never spends the night at my house. He doesn’t pay my bills. I don’t want his money. He does bring me groceries, pay for lunches, pay for gas or auto expenses occasionally, etc., though.
In summary, I guess I would just say this relationship provides us both with the things we want. Companionship, sex, conversation, etc. The marriage arrangement probably won’t last forever, but I would like it if our relationship does, at least in some form.
My husband took a second wife just as you described. She was someone very homely, working at a fast food joint, flipping burgers, burdened with a house and two children. My husband dated her while going through a divorce. He divorced and she wanted to marry him; however, he met me and we married. I pretty much treated him badly, as he betrayed me. I thought he really had an interest in Islam, which he did not. After five years of being unhappy, he turned to his ex-girlfriend again and convinced her to be a second wife. She took Shahada to be married to him; however, she cares nothing about Islam; doesn’t even know how to give the salaams. Yet, she reaping huge benefits from my husband financially. His problem is just beginning though, as he has to go live in a kaffir home with her and her teenage son and adult daughter. Me, I’m trying to grow close to Allah and accept polygyny, which Allah made permissible. Although I have my own money, I’m not going to give up him taking care of my every need. I’m not going to give up my two vacations a year (to Alaska etc.). My relationship with him is even better now. It has awaken my libido. I have the marriage license. I had the nice wedding and honeymoon - None of which she had.
From Philippines here…
This happens not only in Muslims… a lot of guys in other religions does this as well…. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION…. I came from a broken family, all Christians… my father will do whatever he needs to do to get another puss… politicians in my country has 2nd… 3rd… 4th wives… they are Catholic… so see??? this happens everywhere!!! men are more inclined to get as much puss… as he can…
i completely agree with “bokenfamily” here…. this happens to ALL MEN, it does not matter if he is a muslim, christian, jew, etc… men are inherently polygamous.
Just an analogy I’d like to make, regarding men being naturally inclined toward multiple partners, and women being naturally inclined to monogamy.
If there are two people — one obese and one who maintains a healthy weight — what would we conclude? That one likes food, and the other doesn’t? That, of course, would be nonsense. Both like food. Unfortunately, one has an unhealthy relationship with food. A disordered attachment, if you will. The obese person has, for whatever reason, forsaken boundaries when it comes to food. The other person, however much he/she enjoys food, has chosen to set certain limits.
Women find themselves attracted to many different people in their lifetime. There’s a lot of eye candy out there. If a woman is honest, and has lived long enough, she will admit that over the years there have probably been several men to whom she’s been greatly attracted. It’s no shocker that sometimes women fantasize about men other than their husbands. Most women, however, don’t act on this impulse very often, let alone every time the mood strikes. Men, on the other hand, rationalize their urges, and act upon these impulses more often.
Well said Mariam, what a good choice of analogy
This whole idea that only men are polygamous is boring, women are socialised to control themselves more in this regard and if men are given license and encouraged to act on all of their urges then many of them will. Can we really believe that God has said men and women are completely equal spiritual beings and he has created Adam and Eve, yet he encourages men to marry more than one woman?
Why does it say in the Qu’ran; marry more than one only if you will be fair and then later on and you will never be fair no matter how ardent your desire, if God intended polygamy to be practised as a matteer of course? Why did he not create Adam and Eve and Eve2 and Eve 3 and Eve 4? And surely if Islam is applicable to all people and all times then when circumstances change so must the practises. People who say that polygamy is Sunnah, can we say then that we should bring back slavery and concubinage because that too could be defined as Sunnah?
And this continual argument that every man in the West is in fact polygamous because they all have affairs, not all people in the West have affairs, and there are plenty of men who are faithful and devoted to one wife- which I believe would have been God’s intention- and only marry others in times of extreme need and to help them not to help you, i.e. an old widow etc.
Assalamu Alaikum Wa-Ala Man-Ittaba’al Huda,
I hope you are all in the best of health- and for those of you who are Muslim-, and in the highest state of Iman.
Ali Eteraz, I truly wish that you could take the advice that some of the brothers left for you earlier. Sometimes we all get carried away with our own view, to the extent that we are no longer seeking the truth, but simply trying to convince others that WE are right. I ask you to please re-analyze ALL of your reasons- all of your examples of why Muslim men practice polygamy, all of them, are LITERALLY backwards. I don’t mean that with disrespect. I recommend you do some more research, using AUTHENTIC sources as to why Polygamy is permitted in Islam. Keep in mind, if you truly are a Muslim, you must love and respect the Prophet (SAWS). By calling women who marry men with more than 1 wife “Naive”….and “Prey”…….you aren’t exactly respecting the wives of our dear beloved Prophet (PBUH), the women we RESPECT and know as the MOTHERS OF THE BELIEVERS…..so please, make sure you’re careful the next time you say something about them. I mean, if you haven’t ever practiced polygamy, who are you to say the reasons men that DO practice polygamy practice it for???
From what I understand, you’re a Pakistani. If thats the case, there’s 2 points I’d like to make:
1- Maybe you’re views come from things that you know about Polygamous families in Pakistan. I know that there are HORRIBLE things many Pakistani men do to there women under the name of religion- when in fact, its their culture that supports their actions.
2- With all due respect, being a non-Arab creates a LOT of confusion sometimes- when you’re trying to understand the meaning of a Qur’anic Ayah, or a Hadith. You cannot entirely rely on a books translation- you always need a teacher to help you understand what it means.
Finally, if you have known all of this from before, but still want to continue with your ignorant view on Polygamy, then I think that the problem you have is this: Its not that men who practice polygamy think they’re “Macho.” Haha, nope…..in fact, I think its you who has probably been experiencing the “inferiority complex”….maybe you feel inferior to men who are ABLE to marry more than one woman. For all I know, you’ve probably ALSO tried to marry 2 woman, and have been denied, so you developed this hatred for any man who is able to. I hope thats not the case……
One more thing- If you respect the fact that God orders Muslims to obey the rules of their country, then you should also respect ALL of His other ordainments, such as ALLOWING MEN TO MARRY MORE THAN ONE WIFE!!!! (FYI: I’m not even married, neither do I plan on marrying more than 1 woman)
To GABE and OLDLADYTEACHER…..
Here’s why Women aren’t allowed to marry more than one man in Islam- if you actually care to know:
http://www.islamtoday.com/show_detail_section.cfm?q_id=376&main_cat_id=17
So are we forgetting what Arab men do to their Fillipino and Indian maids? This is obviously justice. I am sure that is Islamic values and being Arab Muslim does not cause any confusion there.
That is why the bridge between Saudi Arabia & Bahrain is jam packed every Thursday night - it has obviously nothing to do with booze and nightlife in Bahrain.
Four wives… i always wonder why when quoting Surah Nisa - people just pick one sentence of Ayat 4:3 and not the whole damn Surah or even the whole Ayat 4:3
“If ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or (a captive) that your right hands possess, that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.” (A Yusuf Ali)
Please can someone explain to why Muslim men completely ignore the direction from Allah “as that will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice.” because obviously following what Allah thinks most suitable for Muslim men is just an after thought! Hey we can marry four but who cares if God say if it is most suitable to marry one. Because obviously Arab Muslim guys who know how to interpret Quran know it better.
As an Arabic literal translation, it can also be literally translated as - “and you will not treat them all justly” - so it negates the whole argument that you can marry four if you can treat them right because God is telling you that you cannot freaking treat them right, so you cannot marry freaking four. no arguments. no ifs. no buts. period.
Forget even the fact that co the whole surah needs to be considered —- context freaking context!
Arab supremacy has been the death of Islam.
How about learning humbleness of Prophet? How about equality? how about learning from Quran that Islam was not for Arabs but for all the people of all the worlds and not just earth. Therefore, being Arab is just a coincidence or if we want to discuss history Arabs were the nation, which required guidance from the God the most. They were so down in their moral values that they have to be given all of the Abrahamic religions to make them learn (and even then they did not as not all of Arab world belongs to one faith). If history is of any consequence then being an Arab is the biggest detriment and cause of confusion to being Muslim.
Assalamu Alaikum Wa-Ala Man Ittaba’al Huda,
Sister Ava, why all the anger??? I did not mean to offend you in any way, but it seems as if I have. First of all, how did you so quickly assume that I am an Arab??? (FYI: I’m not Arab). Second of all, try not to make this so personal by getting angry so easily, and replying in a very aggravated matter. Lets try and have a nice and simple discussion, if you please.
Relating to the matter at hand:
When I said that “Being a non-Arab creates a lot of confusion sometimes…”I never imagined that ANYONE could ever get offended by that statement. Its true- can you deny that a person understands his native tongue A LOT better than someone who just reads its translation??? But then you suddenly brought up EVERYTHING you could possibly imagine relating to Arabs…things that have NOTHING to do whatsoever with my statement. What does the fact that Arab men in the Gulf Region have loads of servants from Indonesia, India, & Bangladesh have to do with me saying that Arabs understand Arabic better than non-Arabs??? BY THE WAY, I STICK TO MY STATEMENT- ARABS DO UNDERSTAND ARABIC BETTER THAN YOU AND I BECAUSE THEY ARE ARABS AND WE AREN’T!!!
But if you want to speak regarding that fact- that many Arabs have servants (NOT ALL), many drink (NOT ALL), many party (NOT ALL), then I will speak with you regarding that- for I believe that there is NOTHING to hide. We both know of the extremely wealthy lifestyle of these Saudi Princes, and their neighbors. Due to the amount of money they have, they are able to afford many servants. Some of these “Princes” (and all other people who have servants) abuse their servants. Does this mean that having a servant in your home is Haram??? Does this mean that all Arab men are evil??? Or does it simply mean this: That although there are many people in the world, LIKE SOME ARABS, that abuse their servants, it does not in any way or form MAKE HAVING A SERVANT HARAM. It is allowed in the Qur’an, as it is in the sunnah. The Prophet (SAWS) had servants throughout his lifetime. The Qur’an mentions what a man may or may not do to his servants. That’s clear.
Also, its not true at all- Arab supremacy has NOT been the death of Islam. Islam consists of 18% Arabs ONLY!!! I don’t think 82% of the Ummah are sitting there just obeying the Arabs orders. And no, you are quite incorrect- NOBODY knows the exact reason that Allah (SWT) chose the Arabs first- and its definitely not the reason you stated. Don’t forget that the Prophet (PBUH) is from the Prophet Ismail’s (PBUH) bloodline- thats no coincidence that he was the Prophet. If I were you, I would apologize for the rude statement you made at the end of your reply. Its “Anti-Semitic”- as the Jews like to say, and its also RIDICULOUSLY incorrect. I think 75% of the Arabs out there can teach us things about Islam that we never knew- BOTH of us. Besides, I think it would be an honor to be a native of the Arabic language- the language of the Qur’an, and the language of Heaven, as Allah (SWT) states in the Qur’an. Remember, Islam does not NEED us to follow it, we need Islam, so lets try and stop being so pessimistic regarding everything that our religion teaches us…who the hell do we think we are???
Regarding the Polygamy subject, I don’t understand why so many of you STILL can’t get it right. There is more than a simple ayah regarding Polygamy. What about the sunnah, in which the Prophet (SAWS) CLEARLY states that only He was allowed more than 4 wives at a time- and that the rest of the ummah was limited to FOUR- not ONE.
This is what you were talking about, right???:
The Quran in Sura 4:129 says:
It is not within your power to be perfectly equitable in your treatment with all your wives, even if you wish to be so; therefore, (in order to satisfy the dictates of Divine Law) do not lean towards one wife so as to leave the other in a state of suspense. (Maududi, vol. 1, p. 381)
Maududi interprets the verse, writing that it is only natural for a husband to like one wife over another or the others:
“Allah made it clear that the husband cannot literally keep equality between two or more wives because they themselves cannot be equal in all respects. It is too much to demand from a husband that he should mete out equal treatment to a beautiful wife and to an ugly wife, to a young wife and to an old wife, to a healthy wife and to an invalid wife, and to a good natured wife and to an ill-natured wife. These and like things naturally make a husband more inclined towards one wife than towards the other.”
WAIT!!! ITS NOT FINISHED YET!!!!
“From this verse some people wrongly conclude that though the Qur’an allows more than one wife, it practically cancels this permission by asserting, “. . . it is not possible for you to be perfectly equitable in your treatment with all your wives . . . .” They forget that this is only a part of the whole instruction and the Qur’an does not stop at this but adds, “. . . do not lean towards one wife . . . .” As this Commandment takes into consideration the existence of more than one wife allowed by the Qur’an, it leaves no loophole of escape for the followers of Christian Europe from the fact that Islam does allow polygamy under certain conditions.”
This is written by one of the greatest scholars of Islam- an INDIAN (May Allah (SWT) grant him jannah). Abu Ala Al-Mawdudi. Read the rest of the article if you care. I am simply giving you my proof. If you have proof, present it. But remember, you must bring proof that is Authentic- not some crazy statement someone that has NEVER studied Islam made. Keep in mind, however, that trying to make something HARAM that is HALAL is a fruitless effort- it just doesn’t happen. And in Islam, polygamy is halal- Islam has been around for more than 1400 years- I don’t think you and I and these ignorant people on this blog are going to make it haram, nor convince HALF the Ummah that its wrong.
I think I’ve made this too long, but I hope that insha’allah at least you see where I’m coming from. I really hope you have nothing against me in your heart- this life is too short to harbour hatred inside of yourself- especially for a fellow Muslim.
P.S.-Please try and not say “Damn Ayah”, or use rude words in this specific topic- were discussing the book of God, not some philosophy junk by Aristotle….
Assalamu Alaikum, my dear sister in Islam. (I reccomend that you read another article written by the same author of THIS ARTICLE….
http://eteraz.wordpress.com/2007/05/04/how-to-denude-a-niqabi/#comment-124553
Think to yourself, would a true Muslim actually write something like this??? Subhanallah…)
Oh yeah, the link for the article I quoted, by Abu Ala Al-Mawdudi is
http://www.answering-islam.org/Authors/Arlandson/women_polygamy.htm
sorry about that…
What?! No, its not clear for me, can you please clarify?
Do you mean that all the social norms of that time are still valid?!
Do you consider the servant that works in someones house nowadays as the “that your right hands possess” that comes in the Quran or something?!
Can you also point out whether slavery will still be Islamically correct by your sources?
It was very obvious that her point was that there are bad traditions and practices in all cultures, and Arab culture is not superior in that sense, didn’t you get that?
Arabic is a beautiful language, but I wouldn’t have felt more “honored” if it was my mother tongue. Isn’t one of the main purposes of Islam to define honor in terms of things other than race, language, and culture?
Hasn’t god spoken with each of the prophets in the language of his people?!
I don’t really enjoy this either, although I understand the sense of humor, but talking about AUTHENTIC sources, is writing this enough to doubt the Islam of someone who identifies himself as Muslim? What is the punishment if such accusations are false, Islamically?
May Allah guide us all … Inshallah.
Get your facts correct:
Mormon is a name (trademarked, even) that applied only to the members of the LDS Church which is headquartered in Salt Lake City, and does not properly apply to splinter groups that live in compounds and dress in pioneer clothes. As such, Mormons have not practiced polygamy for over 100 years, so you have misused the name Mormon, and are causing confusion.
Because the Salt Lake based church is heirarchical and can set doctrine and practice on a global basis, there is no such thing as a fundementalist Mormon. You can’t get more Fundemental than the leaders that set the doctrine.
Accuracy first, makes a good blog.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you!
You’re spot on.
As for those who say “some women go along with polygyny because they need the love and companionship of a man blah blah blah” get a clue. The man wants sex, not love, if he’s marrying again, and if you can’t live your life without the love and companionship of a man you have what’s called a “self-esteem problem.” You are a whole, functional individual and can live and be satisfied by yourself, without the emotional crutch of a man, and if you feel you can’t that’s a psychological issue that polygamy will exploit instead of heal.
A true marriage is between two mentally healthy individuals who are happy by themselves but come together through love and commitment for the other– to love to the other not to satisfy their own lacking self-esteem– or purely their lusts.
Others have made the argument that men are inherently polygamous and women are inherently monogamous, citing how single men get to ’sample’ and Western men just have affairs.
Well, friends, women have affairs too, and all of the ’sampling’ must be consented to by the women being ’sampled’. These women don’t just stick to one man, in order for it to be numerically feasible, they have multiple partners too. So, using your analysis, it would be said that WOMEN are also naturally polygamous. But, I don’t believe this is true for men OR women. Why? Because sexual encounters affect us emotionally. Men and women feel betrayed when their partner has a sexual encounter with another. In fact, a study done showed that when relationships break up, the man will sometimes stay depressed for 3x longer than the woman! To say that men have sex with no emotional consequences is just stupid and also VERY insulting to the man– it paints him as just a lustful, primal, uncontrollable animal. This isn’t just about sexism towards women. It is equally discriminating towards males.
Amy, I agree with you to a large degree about men experiencing emotional consequences; but I still think that men and women are wired differently. That’s not a bad thing — they’re supposed to be. If we were the same, one of us wouldn’t be necessary ;-) Women are capable of sleeping around, too, and some actually do. The reality is, though, that in those societies where this has become acceptable behavior for women, they have been (since the 1960’s or so) imitating stereotypical male behavior. Men were perceived, by some, to be having all the fun and all the power. Rather than holding men to a higher standard, some women believed that sexual exploitation and exploration was equal to empowerment (since those who were perceived to be in power appeared to be exibiting this type of behavior).
As for emotional fallout from non-monogamous sexual relationships: when men are on the receiving end of “betrayal” they experience the proverbial dagger in the back or sword through the heart feeling. They don’t like it any more than we do. Hence, Mohammed set up a system whereby the men of his society could enjoy all the benefits of having multiple sex partners, while safeguarding themselves from the humiliation and hurt of having their women do the same.
Even if only in one’s fantasies, I think it’s fairly accurate to say that people are interested in multiple sex partners — for themselves. But not for their partner. People choose (or succumb to) monogamy because they don’t want *their partner* to have anyone else.
On a personal note regarding men, sex and emotions: as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I am “a second wife.” Meaning that I’ve become involved with a married Muslim (Arab). He wasn’t prepared for the emotions that have become part and parcel of this marriage. As a “typical woman” I was psychologically already aware that I was going to have to protect my heart and my emotions. He wasn’t. He came into this thinking that it was a great complement to what he already had going with his dutiful wife at home. After more than six months into this, he spends more and more time with me, and wants to provide for me more and more. He doesn’t just want my “companionship,” he wants me to love him, and feels insecure if I don’t assure him (by word or deed) of my love for him.
We spend plenty of time doing all the typical things that husbands and wives and friends and lovers do. It’s gone way beyond sexual companionship. He wants more. I don’t think he saw it coming.
This is to the person above who is so rightly guided that he is qualified to guide others, mashaAllah:
In the whole article, I didnt see Ali argue that polygamy is inherently bad, but rather that it is practiced today in the United States for reasons that are religiously and logically perverse resulting (often) in great injustice. Nothing in the article even comes close to talking about the Prophet (pbuh) and his wives, so I’m not sure why you took it there. Or why you felt the need to make it personally about him.
The best (as in the funniest) part for me is when you said you’re not married. I love the sanctimony of the unexperienced.
Umm, to Muse……
I’m not sure where in my post did I say that I was rightly guided- but its definitely obvious that the author of this ridiculous article isn’t.
And what do you mean “…I’m not sure why you took it there..,” THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. The answer to this dumb article lies within the sunnah of Muhammad (SAWS). If you have an issue with polygamy, NO MATTER WHAT PART OF THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN, the law of Allah (SWT) makes its HALAL. So why waste your time even arguing on this dumb blog??? I’m just surprised that people like you spend their time defending a man whos main purpose is to stir trouble. This is what he wants, dumb arguments. So this will be my last post. I’m not here to prove that I’M right…I just want to claim what Allah (SWT) claims to be right. You have a problem with it, deal with it on Yawm Al-Qiyaamah….
And I’ve made it personally about him because anyone who claims to be “Muslim” and ridicules and criticizes his own deen (not only this article, but NUMEROUS other ones), deserves to be criticized. This man is what you call a progressive…someone who thinks this religion is too “Old fashioned”…if he doesn’t like it….there are LOADS of other religions that might “suit” his needs………………
The law of the United States makes polygamy HARAAM حرام .
I need a man for SEX .. but SEX without marriage is HARAM ..
so what should I do?
*sob sob* *rant rant*
“Opression…”
“Victisimised women…”
“Equality…”
“Sex crazed men…”
Give it a rest!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s my turn on the soapbox.
I am my husband’s 2nd wife (THATS RIGHT!! A person who is LIVING the poly dream).
I am 24, an Australian born and bred Muslim. Which means I haven’t just found Islam - I have always been living in the west, I am (suprisingly enough) educated (Civil and Human Rights Law), I am a *gasp* practising lawyer, and (believe it or not) - I am quite good looking.
Everyone goes on about the poor, innocent, deluded, victimised women in Islam - but guess what?? It’s not true! If there are women in the Islamic world being mistreated - it isn’t ISLAM it is CULTURE!
Arranged marraiged without concenting parties aren’t a part of ISLAM - it is a CULTURAL practise.
Female circumsizion isn’t ISLAM!! Again, CULTURE!
So before you go around with your iron hot brander and label all muslim men horny, sex crazied, desperate, deceptive, multiple wife seeking animals… and all Muslim women, misguided, desperate, tolerant, poor souls - who, lets face it, are ‘just’ women after all… you should definately work out, or attempt to work out the difference between culture and practise.
I love my husband - I love my sister wife.
Polygamy is not for everyone (obviously) it takes alot of imaan, alot of yakeen in Allah SWT.
So those with feint Imaan… stay away.
I married my wonderful husband, and have ended up with a loving, gorgeous partner - and I have found the best friend a girl could ever ask for in my sister wife.
Whoever said that there aren’t people fighting for the rights of women and men to be in a polygamous marraige - have no idea! I for one, am a supporter and an advocate.
Im not saying Polygamy is easy - yeah there is jealousy - but isnt there jealousy in most relationships? With polygamy - at least you can rest easy knowing that person your husband is shagging (or ’sharing his bed with’) is his mahram.
And as for your lame statement that a guy should hook up with a ‘real’ woman to begin with because all a guy is after is a challenge - who are you to make such a dicky statement anyways?
I feel terribly loser like for even commenting on this blog - but I just wanted to give a virtual hi 5 to “May Allah Guide You, Ali Eteraz”!!
Ma Sallama
Just wanted to say, Jazakallahu Khayr for your input sister- “Married to a Married Man”. I think after that insha’allah, they should have no more excuses, we have given them all the proof that they need and more.
Once again, excellent post. Barakallahu Feeky.
Virtual High Five!!!!! haha….
“With polygamy - at least you can rest easy knowing that person your husband is shagging (or ’sharing his bed with’) is his mahram.”
You mean: its important for you to *know* whom/when your mate is shagging.
I think there is merit to the argument that a thing God allowed cannot be normatively wrong (and to those in the Muslim World who willingly enter into such relationships and are happy, more power to them). But the problem with polygamy in the US is that it is illegal in all 50 states (yes, even in Utah), and that if a man is married to multiple women (or if a woman is married to multiple men, for that matter), only one will have any sort of legal status. That makes it impossible for the man to fulfill a requirement upon which the permissibility of polygamy has been explicitly conditioned, i.e., that he must treat all of his wives equally. If only one of them can avail herself of the civil benefits of marriage, then there can be no equality. If undertaking a normally halal action would inevitably lead to haram, then the action itself becomes haram. In addition to the idea that Muslims are under an Islamic duty to obey the laws of the nation in which they reside, I think this is a compelling argument for why it’s haram for Muslims in the US to take on multiple wives.
Having said that, however, it’s worth noting that polygamy has been practiced for centuries before and after the advent of Islam, and has only recently come to be considered a taboo. It’s important to balance this discussion with the observation that social norms and attitudes are fickle and can change for arbitrary reasons. Who knows; centuries from now, polygamy may once again become socially acceptable.
Sabir: polyamory is socially acceptable in the same circles where polygamy is reviled.